Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Bank Holiday Burn Out


Having been the cause of several cancelled plans for my BF and I over the past few weeks I was determined to attend the things we had arranged for this bank holiday, all be it minus the usual alcohol consumption and general merriment.

Well, it didn't take long to be rudely reminded that RA is not something you get to ignore for a few days to try and be nice to your nearest and dearest.
Despite the fact that each day was limited to one outing, to a venue where I would be able to sit for the entire time and with maximum pain killers on board, I have felt progressively worse as the weekend has worn on. As a result I'm now aching from the knees and elbows down and have shooting pains in both ankles, several fingers and both thumbs! My wrists, although slightly swollen, don't actually hurt so I'm attempting to focus on this positive .. but its not easy.

I am glad we got to catch up with our friends, I've purposely not gone into a huge amount of detail with the masses about my new gremlin (I dont want to be further known as "the sick one" on top of T1D) but the hugs and words of "nice to see you back out" etc were enough to remind me that my life isn't just the inside walls of my living room! I also have several visitors lined up throughout the next few weeks whilst I'm signed off, which will help break up the daytime telly!

I'm also grateful for the break it has afforded my BF. I'm not sure whether I'm being paranoid or not but I am definitely starting to get the impression that this is becoming difficult and frustrating for him. I don't in any way mean he is being un-supportive, he's not, he is my rock. I just worry that being the primary source of support for someone in constant, unrelenting pain is emotionally and physically exhausting and who is there to support him with that?? Shouldn't that be me? Does it work like that? Can it work like that??

I can't bear feeling like a burden to him. I want to be the fun girlfriend he's used to, the one that sees living with T1D as an inconvenient niggle that cant be ignored but at the same time isn't allowed to impact our life together. But this, this makes me go home early, has me crying in my sleep from the pain and turns me into a bore that just seems to be constantly listing which joints are hurting in that particular 5 minutes.

I have decided to reach out to some people in my local area through nras.healthunlocked.com in an attempt to find someone of my own age who might understand what I'm going through. My hope is that this will allow me to channel some of my own frustrations elsewhere and help me to feel more like his girlfriend again, rather than his patient. So fingers crossed I get some replies.

One nice bonus of all this is that I haven't woken up each morning of the long weekend with a hangover and an empty purse! Silver linings and all that!

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